Bomb Scare

Date: Mar 6 1996

Life just gets weirder and weirder.

Being a Molecular Biology campus, many people think that the Bio-Dudes here sit around all day making weird scary monsters out of spare DNA that they happen to have left over from trying to make the perfect sandwich. And as a result, there are always unbalanced former politicians that try to blow the place up. Two years ago, they'd send letters to senior staff with razor blades in the mail claiming they used them on themselves and were HIV positive. But as they weren't effective enough, back to the traditional bombs.

So a few days ago, it was announced that we could not go anywhere near the parking lot in front of one of the institutes next door. Somebody discovered a lone briefcase sitting all by itself in the parking lot. Obviously a bomb left there to blow up some asphalt. This was a real problem since it was the direct route to the local pub - The Jolly Fascist. Well, I hadn't eaten since the day before, so I took a lesser known route through the haunted building complex and emerged behind the fire-truck and made my way to the pub. It was ok in this direction since the barricade was to prevent people from entering the area, not from leaving.

Eat, and try to get back. No go. Try to cut through a parking lot for construction workers. No go. All fenced off. Try to wander through scaffolding of a renovated haunted building. No go. Fenced all off. So I had to take the long way back, wandering down a twisty road with absolutely no space for pedestrians between the road and the 10 foot high stone walls. Chance of getting blown up by bomb: 1%. Chance of getting run over to avoid bomb: 99%. I finally get back after making it to the main highway and rolling about in the mud a bit.

So everyone is in our building watching the Bomb Squad through our mega-huge glass windows, while police keep motioning us to get back. Being bored, I wandered off into some office to do some secret stuff, and then BANG!

So I wander back, and they had SHOT the briefcase. Then just when I thought it was over, they have a robot thing come along. It went nuts and squirted its life juice at the briefcase and whimpered away. Hmmm - not so good. So then the SWAT team open fire with MEGA-machine guns blasting away for a solid 5 minutes turning some poor schmucks briefcase into Swiss Cheese.

Not being satisfied with that, some guy gets all dooded up in huge protective gear, and after 20 minutes of getting ready, uses a small portable rocket launcher to blow it up 'in a controlled fashion'. So now there's shards of briefcase all over the place and papers all over.

You'd figure this has got to be it, nothing left but papers, and we're all rolling about the floor laughing at the incredible destruction they've inflicted on some poor schmucks briefcase - and we're thinking, how can it get any better than this. Then, out of a second SWAT truck, out jumps the Swedish Bikini Team (they're Californian actually), wearing what the Swedish Bikini Team always wears, as well as bright orange hard hats and they're armed with huge sledge hammers and they start smashing the hell out of the remaining sheets of paper just in case they're explosive.
I am absolutely NOT making this up!

There's a digitized picture posted up at that institute showing what's left of the briefcase. Unfortunately, none of the Swedish Bikini Team seems to have been caught in it.

Life here can be better than a beer commercial some days...

Oh yes, I moved, so stop sending me care packages for now. I'm living in a dumpster until I straighten out my living accommodations and life and stuff.