Ladies farting on Firecracker Day!!

Date: Aug 13 1990

Well, the government stepped in and squashed my belt shop enterprise. Turns out they really like to watch their skinny-hipped women's pants fall down and don't want no slimy foreigner getting rich by stopping this. Don't matter. I got another get rich scheme! 'Talking Umbrellas!!' Swiss people love umbrellas. They have billions of em. If it looks like it might rain next week, they whip out their umbrellas and commence to poke out each others eyes. So, I'm gonna make talking umbrellas that hurl insults in Swiss German at the push of a button on the handle. They'll love it!

The 1st of August was a holiday. It's their version of firecracker day. Swiss are pros at this. You know those little firecrackers we call lady- fingers. Here they are called lady-farts. So I'm in this fireworks store in ecstasy looking at all the bombs and stuff. I bought some lady-farts and some other things. So that night I wander out with my stash of goodies mega-happy since I got stuff considered illegal in Canada, and when I join some friends, the Swiss ones start laughing at me cause all I got is these lady-farts, and they're letting off V-2 rockets. It was, like, real embarrassing. Looking out over the foggy grime-hole they call a city, it looks like a scene out of Blade-runner, where things blow up with balls of flame all over. There is no organized fireworks display. It's every man for himself. So now I know that all those explosions and shots I hear about every 3rd night is not from terrorists or muggers, but from fireworks.

Just to give you an idea how awful the housing situation here is, I came out of my scum-hole (Swiss people don't think I live in a scum-hole), and on my way down the crevice, a guy came out of a cave on a lower level ahead of me. When I crawled outside, I saw him jump in his Ferrari. So even Ferrari owners have to live in dumpsters too. ahahahahahaha. good!

Alan Bowler replied to the last newsletter saying he heard that hard drugs weren't allowed just anywhere, and that there was a designated park. This is partly true. That park is about 5 mins walk from where I live. However, you can see people all over doing hard drugs. I stumbled into 2 dirt-balls cutting lines of coke near one of my favorite eating holes, 'The Big Door Cafe'. Many people tell me they see people sticking needles in themselves all over. Basically, the Swiss just ignore it. Some day they'll probably decide to do something and send in their boy-scouts. uh, I mean army.

You have to wear a tie in the Army.

Either little old ladies here have a much greater life span, or else they shrivel up sooner than their North-American counter-parts. But I think it's just that Swiss people live lots longer. I think I know why. Since there are no fat Swiss people (see a previous newsletter about the quality of foodstuffs), that means that the average Swiss person is lighter than the average NA person. That means they have less body cells. That means there is a lower probability that one of those cells will get cancer. So longer life-span.

A friend of mine who is being thrown out of his apartment for having a party is throwing a 'demolition party' on his last day there.

'Harold and Maude' has now made it to Switzerland. So has 'Casablanca'

I found real orange-juice. I was so happy, I drank $8 worth of it. (2 glasses)

I think I know why everyone around here is so dumb. I figure that if you've mastered the German language, then about 85% of your brain capacity must be used up. I think I better keep my german knowledge to a minimum, like 'Guten Tag', 'Nein', 'Dumbkopf', 'Ich mochte ein Hamburger'.

My professors are dumber than your professors. nyah nyah... One of our brighter ones powered off my brain (brain is the name of the machine), by turning the key. He wanted to look inside and see what a computer looked like. He said his hand accidently touched the key. yeh... He accidently grabbed it, and accidently applied 50 pounds of force to push it in and turn it 90 degrees. He obviously thought the key opened it up. Funny how the day before he was complaining about keeping people off the machine to prevent them hampering its use as a server.

It's 3am Sunday night. (note that it's officially Mon morning so it's not illegal for me to be working now !). If I had a car, I could drive to any number of several civilized countries in a couple of hours and find something to eat. Another night of eating tree-bark...