What a fine country

Mar 25 1990

So I borrowed a book from a friend called 'Living and Working in Switzerland' which I wish I had to begin with because it would have saved me some agony. I haven't read it yet, but skimming through the pages, I've learned some things:

You cannot shower or bathe between 10pm and 7am. Otherwise the Shower Police fine you.

No noise after 10pm. If you have a party, inviting your Swiss neighbors won't always work because after they leave, they will call the Noise Police on you anyway. Even it it was a good party. (A friend of mine is going through court battles right now where they are trying to throw him out because he had a good party. He has a chance because they didn't go through proper Swiss bureaucracy when they told him "You're being thrown out for 'various' reasons". This is a normal notice but has to be preceded by something else I think.)

You cannot work on Sunday. If you have a garden, you are allowed to sit in your garden and look at it, but you are not allowed to work on it. To work on Sunday, you need to fill out applications with your employer and (s)he has to get it approved by 'Cantonal Sunday Working Police', or an act of Parliament, or something. I forget.

There is a fine to use Swiss Highways. If you drive into Switzerland, you can pay the fine right away as you enter, and put a sticker on your car which says when you have to pay the next fine (in a year), or get nailed by the cops and pay a different huge fine + the original fine.

There is a monthly or bi-monthly fine if you watch TV. I think it is around $150 CDN/yr. This is not the cable TV fine.

There is a similar fine if you listen to the radio. I think it's < $100 CDN.

There is a fine if you move. Not paying the fine within 8 days of moving brings up another big fine. After the 1st fine, they ask you to come back a month or 2 later for a bigger fine because they like you so much.

There is a fine for believing in God. Richard Bartels warned me of this before I left, and told me when asked to say I have no religion. However I'm sure I've blown it a couple of times so I'm probably being fined monthly now from my paycheck, which I will never figure out, for being Anglican or Protestant or something when I was born.

I've already told you about the fine for not showing up at the medical place when you arrive in Switzerland, which is always closed.

If you use a telephone and you are a foreigner, there is a huge fine. My book says 500 sFr. I've heard 750 and 1000 sFr. Ideally you get this back when you leave. The last I talked to Johnny Wong in Canada, he never got his back. I think I'll do without a phone.

A postcard overseas costs 70 r (cents sortof) to send. Unless it is over 5 words, in which case there is a 40 r fine since that extra ink weight loads down the plane.

I just found a new fine in my mailbox a half hour ago for 66 sFr. I'm not sure whats it's for yet. It's on a little scummy looking card written in German. It's looks similar to a Cdn change-of-address card. I learned that the last time I got one, that I didn't win something, and it's not junk mail, so don't throw it out or you'll be real sorry.

I'm 7 weeks thru my intensive German torture course. Most people take it for a month. People cant believe I took it for a 2nd month. I think I'm setting a new record doing it for a third. After 4 hours of that in the morning, you don't want to do anything when you crawl into work. 'Ich mochte ein Hamburger' can mean you want a hamburg, or you want a man from Hamburg, Germany.

I can hardly wait to come back for a visit so I can tell you what it's really like. Big brother is always watching...

While a canadian friend of mine and I were talking about a couple of things we didn't find wonderful, after thinking very hard for an hour or two, he told me this story, that went something like this :

Some guy named George dies. He goes to the waiting station and Saint Peter says, 'Well, George, you've been a real good guy so you have your choice of either going to Heaven or Hell. George is a little smarter than the average guy, so he asks if he can see what each is like first before making a decision. Sure. So he checks out Heaven and sees these guys sitting around on clouds playing harps with idiot smiles on their faces. He goes to Hell and sees nightclubs and parties and fabulous babes and stuff. He goes back and says 'I wanna goto Hell'. St. Peter says, ' Are you sure? This is for eternity you know'. 'Yeh, I'm sure'. So he goes to Hell and they give him a pitch-fork and stick him in a coal mine. 'So what about the parties and nightclubs and fabulous babes?' asks George. 'Well, before, you were a tourist. Now you're an immigrant'.

oh, for you computer geeks, we are now on the Internet, but because of politics and hence some technical obstacles, it will be awhile before we are running name-servers here. SMTP is being blocked at the switch connecting us to the Internet because SMTP came from the big bad evil American Military and we are forced to use yummy X400 with ean mail. Datapac is often faster than the Internet connection we have.

Have to find breakfast.