Dodging bullets in Switzerland

Date: Sep 6 1990

Greetings...

Sorry I've been slow in writing. I being making preparations for war. I've had to temporarily give up my various get-rich schemes. So here's some trivia:

Switzerland has lotteries like LOTO 649. However, gambling is illegal. They solved this by stating that playing lotteries is a game of skill. It has been determined that playing a lotterie is 5% skill, which is enough to satisfy the law.

I think prostitution here is legal.

My secretary was recently fined 11,000 sFr. The Big Brother Bureau says she didn't pay taxes for a few years. Of course, they didn't ask for any. Today she is off paying a minor fine for moving a few blocks.

I have a description of the Swiss here in my book called 'Living and Working in Switzerland' by David Hampshire - ISBN 3-907792-01-7. It says:

The typical Swiss is scrupulously honest, hard-working, boring, spotlessly clean, tidy, obedient, healthy, insular, frugal, unfriendly, reliable, square, stolid, orderly, insensitive, patriotic, precise, egotistical, serious, tolerant, virtuous, punctual, narrow-minded, cautious, dependable, polite (too often mechanically so), reserved or shy and law-abiding (except when motoring)..... With all these traits it's hardly surprising that the Swiss are not always the best of companions with which to be stranded on a desert island. Better to take a good book.... ....they are generally most reluctant to admit they are wrong about anything (their way of admitting they are at fault is to say that you were not in the wrong). The Swiss will rarely compliment anyone on anything but are generally quick to complain, especially about trivia... ....while the Swiss are usually polite, they hardly ever thank you for holding a door open or standing back to allow them to pass - maybe they are stunned into silence.

There, I didn't write it so I'm safe. It's pretty much accurate except the part about being polite and dependable. I think I once saw a description of the Swiss by Douglas Adams only for some reason, he called them Vogons. Must have been a typo.

So the other day I publically posted a news article which was not very appreciative about EAN mail. One thing you do not do is make fun of the wonderful Swiss electronic mail system, or its' people that use it. Even if everybody loves the article. I heard that SWITCH (the Swiss Govt PTT?) was mailed a copy of it. Life is getting interesting. Their paratroopers haven't attacked yet. I decided to get ready. I went to this Army surplus store where they got all these old weapons with lotsa old guys there buying medals. Then this shady looking guy wanders up and says "gorp gorp gorp Herr White, gorp gorp gorp", which I think meant, "We're watching you White and you can't buy any weapons here to be ready when we come to wipe you out".

ok. brains over bullets. hehheheh. So I go to the local 'Canadian Tire' type store ('Target' to you Americans) and buy me some of that black plumbing tube stuff (PVC tubes) and the local fireworks store. And the local cafeteria. So now I gotta bazooka, gun-powder, and buns. Now these are Swiss buns! We're talking lethal! Now you've heard about how fresh Swiss bread is. ppphttt.... yeh, after you chisel through it. So I'm explaining to my secretary about bun-warfare with my bun-gun and how in Canada, we do this for recreation where we can't get hurt cause our buns are soft.

Anyway, I've discovered with the help of expendable students, that instead of just aiming it at one commando and blowing his head off with a Swiss bun, you're better to get groups of them standing near a building or wall, shoot at the wall, and let the bun shrapnel take them all out. Just in case, I've taken out insurance. With Lloyds of London, since no Swiss place will insure me since they think the odds are in their favor. My boss is beginning to wonder why we have all these buns in our office. Anyway, it's great fun. Gotta go take some more fire-crackers apart.